Letters To My Daughters

I had the privilige of throwing a baby shower for my best friend today. All the pink and all the adorable outfits and booties seemed to suck me into the twilight zone. I started thinking about my girls, and how quickly time has flown by.

I hope I've done a decent job of letting them know how wonderful I think they are, and how rich my life is because of them. However, I am afraid they would beg to differ. So I figured, there's no time like the present, right?

My Dearest Miss Priss,

You, my first born child, opened my heart to a whole new level of love. 

You my darling girl have a way of humbling me. You are so grounded and well rounded that you make my job as a parent seem easy. Sometimes to me you seem wiser beyond your years, and often I have to reel myself back in to remember that you are only eight years old.

You have a bleeding heart and wear it on your sleeve. You, like me are a people pleaser. It matters to you that everyone around you is happy, if not content. You often hurt for those who are hurting and tend to those you feel you can help. Never lose that care for the world, for one day you will impact it.

You may not be a leader, but you inspire those around you. Your natural instincts may not be to stand above the crowd, but you can’t help but inspire those around you when you stand amongst them. You have an infliction to make things right or help those that need it, and your passion for it makes people realize they could do it too.

You are an unbelievably smart girl. You have made your father and me so proud from before you even started school. You learned your ABC’s before you were even two. You have continuously amazed us with your intellect, and every teacher you have had has adored you. They have encouraged your need for more and you have met that with winning awards, and earning special privileges. I pray you never lack for knowledge, but always heed more.

You have a thirst for art. You are at the age of finding yourself, and you are unearthing who you are through your creativity. We always knew you were creative, but you really impressed us when you drew the cast of ‘Yo Gabba’ in chalk on the coffee table. You father was so impressed he had to take a picture as a keepsake. Every day you uncover ways of finding yourself with words, drawings, designing clothes, singing, and dancing. Your creativity knows no bounds; please continue to broaden it every day.  

You are extremely brave. Some people are born attention seekers, others feel more comfortable watching. You have always been more comfortable to watch, listen, and learn. However you have broke out of your shell and realized you’re remarkable. You have participated in pageants where you had not only to speak in front of a whole audience, but to perform solo. That, my dear, takes guts and you have them aplenty. I don’t think I will ever be able to express to you how proud I am of you to want something so much and go after it the way you do. The pageant results mean nothing to us compared to the pride we have for your courage to face a frightful situation.

Your kindness overflows. You are slowly but surely learning a very important lesson in our household. Kindness matters. You are learning that we have been so very blessed in our lives, that it’s an honor to give back. One of my most touching memories will always be of you splitting up your bouquet of flowers and sharing it with the other contestants of the pageant, because they didn’t get any. Although you were hurt from not winning, you still cared about the other girls and wanted to help make them happy. You are a beautiful girl, but the beauty you have on the inside shines bright. You thoroughly enjoy making others happy and that will fulfill you for the rest of your life.

One thing about you that I know you will carry through life is your ambition. Between sports, music, art, and school you are always looking to improve your game. You oftentimes frustrate yourself when you have a slight mishap, because you know your own potential and don’t account for any leeway. Please remember you will not be perfect, you are not Jesus. But, I hope you always know that no matter what you have the love and support of your family, and even more from our Lord.

Also I want to thank you for your persistence. It is because of you and your sister’s begging that we decided to affiliate with our church. And we are so very grateful to you for that. Your pure, loving heart lead our household back to church and our Lord, and for that we thank you a million times over. I am extremely pleased with the relationship you have with God, and I pray it lasts and spreads through the crowds of people you will and do inspire.

I love the connection we have, the easy way we understand each other, and most importantly I love you. You will always fill my heart with pride, and with that you will always keep me humble. 

My Darling Ky Bug, 

First and foremost I want you to know that my love for you grows not only daily, but each and every second. 

You are a spit fire in a little tiny package! I often say you have no filter from your brain to your mouth, but in all fairness it is a trait that you should never abandon.   Refine it… yes, but never lose your brutal honesty. It will make you a stronger and more reliable person.

Cherish your imagination. You have an amazingly creative mind. You once entertained yourself with pumpkin pie canned ingredients turning them into a circus. That will forever be one of my favorite Thanksgiving Day memories. Please continue to dream big, for you will one day create a masterpiece the world has never known.

You have an amazing sense of self confidence. You have always been proud to be center stage no matter the venue. You love to entertain us with your stories, jokes, dancing, singing, and even funny faces. Once when you were only two you got on the karaoke stage with your Elmo guitar in front of all our extended family and sang “Old MacDonald”. You held the crowd in the palm of your hand.  I hope you always hold on to the knowledge that it does not matter what the world thinks of you, because you will always have the love and support of not only your family but an almighty God as well.

You have a wonderful relationship with our Lord. I love that you have so much faith in the good of our religion and have not been tainted by the politics that disrupt it. You praise, rely on, and thank God with no reservations. Keep that pure love and don’t let the hatred in this world blacken your heart. Please continue to proudly sing your “God Songs” as you like to call them and spread your infectious enthusiasm wherever life may take you.    

You are a little sponge that loves to soak up any information you get your hands or ears on. The funny thing about it is that you seem to do your best thinking when you’re on the go. You do your best spelling recitation and math facts when you are bouncing around on the couches, or doing cartwheels in the dining room. I hope you never lose your hunger to learn. No matter where you go or what you do always seek more knowledge.

You are beautiful on the outside, because you are beautiful on the inside as well. You have a kind and generous heart. One thing I hope to be able to impress upon you is the importance of giving. In giving of yourself you gain so much more in return.

You my dear, sweet, wonderfully pigheaded daughter are more like me than you will ever realize. So many times I have watched you, argued with you, and listened to you only to see so much of myself in your actions and words. I hope it serves you well. I have to admit, I am pretty proud of where my life has taken me, because it has led me to you.

 
With A Grateful Heart,
    Your Mother
      XOXOXO

Liar Liar

People often ask me ‘How do I do it?”. How do I get through each day with three kids and my husband being deployed? The most honest answer I can give is… I Lie.

I lie to myself every day.

I tell myself I can do this. I will do this. It’s only three months, it’s not that bad. But that three months stretches in my mind. It’s kinda like in a movie when someone’s looking down a hallway and all of a sudden the hallway seems to go on forever. So then I lie again. I tell myself he’ll only be gone for a week. Then when the weekend comes I lie again saying it will be next weekend. Artificially it helps. I know deep down I am full of BS, but for that moment when it hurts the most, lying doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

I lie to everyone else.

Behind every forced smile there lives a lie. Every ‘We’re doing fine’ and ‘We’ll be okay’ is just another whopper I tell. But people don’t really want to hear the truth. No one wants to hear how every time they bring the deployment up I want to break down in tears. Or how I can’t sleep at night because I wake up every hour from all the stress. Nobody wants to hear the sad truth of what goes on behind closed separated family’s doors, because there really isn’t much they can do to help. They want to help. They do help. Every gesture from small to large is greatly appreciated, but it’s impossible for anyone to fill that void in our family’s life. So I lie. I smile to ease the discomfort for both our sakes.

I lie in wait.

It doesn’t matter how long your loved one is deployed for. Your life universally is put on hold. Of course time doesn’t stand still for anyone, and life all around you moves on; but your own household is stuck. Yes I go to work every day, and the kids go to school every day and every day they grow just a little bit more. But in an essence, we are static. We are moving, sometimes forward and yet sometimes in place. I feel a certain guilt for enjoying the small things around me when he’s not able to be here to share them with me. However I feel guilty that I am not enjoying it enough for my kids. And my self-pity can sometimes overwhelm me; my loneliness robs me of breath at times. So I lie. I lie in bed at night and beg God, with tears soaking my pillow, to please keep him safe. I beg Him to push the fast forward button on our lives and skip my favorite time of year so that I won’t have to endure them without my best friend. But in doing so, in all of my self- pity, I rob my family of now. I rob them of the strength and support and normalcy of these three months. So for them I will stand tall during the day, but at night I will allow myself to lie. 

Saying Goodbye

To my sweetest hero,

Tonight is a night fraught with emotions. Tonight is one of the last nights in a while we will lay together. For you are voluntarily leaving me, but for such a worthy cause. Your absence in our lives is one that we are proud of. So many emotions run through me at any moment’s notice and I am on the verge of tears in the blink of an eye. I can see an American flag blowing in the crisp blue sky and tears of pride shimmer in my eyes. Those tears quickly turn to tears of sorrow as they fall. Soon my tears burn with self hate for the selfish weakness that comes over me.

 It is only three months.

So many families have been separated for much longer, and more often. We have been through worse. So why does it seem harder this time around? Is it because this time we have a family? Or is it because this time around we are seven years wiser and less naive? Is it because three kids later we realize we are not as invincible as we once thought? 

We have known this day was coming for months. But as I do with things I am unable to withstand I pretended it wasn’t happening. I have fought off the tears of self pity to be strong for the world. But in order to move on, the flood gates are bound to explode. Forgive me, my love, for the tears bound to be shed. But once they are, I will once again stand tall and proud, able to look my supporters in the eye. I will be able to smile when asked how you are. I will be able to answer questions of you with no lump in my throat. And I will be able to clearly say “Thank you” with dry eyes to the legion of family and friends who will walk with us and pray for us through this journey. Your children and I will take one day at a time, and pray that they keep you busy enough to help your time fly by. Our Thanksgiving will be filled with grace and thanks for His protection over you. Our Christmas will be colder but grateful of His love given to us the greatest gift. Our New Year will be rung in a little quieter this year with resolutions of love and gratefulness. 

You will be missed every day.

Every day you will be in our hearts, our minds and our prayers.

With love,

Your humble wife

Don't Judge Me

I will admit I have eatin a bowl of ice cream while standing in my closet. Why, you might ask? Because there wasn't a place to sit with out a hanger going into places I would preferably like to keep un-proded. Again you might ask why. Why was I hiding in my closet like a psycho? Because my kids have driven me to it. For one- I just didn't feel like sharing, and for two- I get just a little tired of the guilt that has wrapped itself around me since I peed on that life altering stick so many years ago.

Frankly I am fed up to my eyeballs with this shitty constant nagging parental conscience that follows me around day and night. I would really like to find Jimney right about now and introduce him to the bottom of my husbands work boots. I love Pinterest, don't get me wrong, but I get so sick of the high expectations I put on myself just because these bastards know how to use the right camera angle to make life look so damn simple and carefree. I hate that my fun hobby has that double edge sword thing going on. But I have always heard you live by the sword you die by the sword.

The thing is, I have found a turning point in all this. Or just a point of some kind. We had recently started visiting an adorable church with a little white chapel here in town. We ended up choosing this church because I had become acquainted with the pastor and his sweet family. I really liked how down to earth they were and I knew others from around town who also attended church there. So after we visited the church -stay with me there really is a point- the pastor's wife and I became friends on Facebook.  Now I had always known she was a pastor's wife, so anytime our paths crossed I was sure to warn the hubby and beg the kids to behave. For instance at Miss Priss' slumber party I repeatedly reminded the hubby that in attendance was a preacher's daughter and the daughter of one who works closely with the CPS (That was one stressful night!). So after we became friends on FB I was sure to watch what I said. Then one glorious night she messages me telling me about how she was reading some of my earlier posts and she came across my closet ice-cream adventure. Here's the best part- she loved it! She could relate. She actually had a few stories of her own that made me feel like the clouds opened up and God just smiled down. I mean if she had her own trials of parenthood- and she being a pastor's wife should somehow be bestowed with more virtues that are hardly attainable to us mere mortals- then by God we are all doomed. And by that I mean, dammit it's normal. I'm normal. And for the time being, I am going to embrace these idiosyncrasies. And I'm going to share them with you so you can realize that you're normal too. Or just as crazy as me. Or maybe I really am destined for the looney bin.

So for one, I have long ago stopped shutting the door when I use the restroom or shower. It has been eight years in the making, but it is a habit that I may never be able to break. I either am not allowed this silly little thing called privacy (the wiggly fingers under the door are my subtle reminders), or I have three-kids-ago lost any control over my bladder.There is no time for swinging that door shut and unzipping my pants. Something has to give. I choose my battles wisely. As for the shower it starts out with the ipad full of movies, games, even learning apps that allow him to draw shapes and letters. Only to end up with me having to draw said shapes and letters on the foggy glass as the only way to keep him from coming in to draw it himself. Once again, its all a matter of picking your battles.

I have more than once hidden or rushed to eat a sweet to keep it hidden from the kids. I'm not even sure I can count the times on my fingers. There are a few reason's for this. One is that I'm not sure I'm ready to explain the whole double standards thing yet. I try my best to be sure they maintain a well balanced diet. Well- okay, so I at least try to be sure there is one fruit or veggie in with their chocolate(nutella) sandwiches. Two, the guilt I get when I deny them makes me feel like I just ran over their brand new puppy or something. Then there's the other guilt. The kind that stings just a little too close to home when they say "How come you get to eat one and we don't". My initial response is "Because I am a grown ass woman and if I want to eat a whole box of Twinkies, well then I damn well will!" Only it comes out as "Because I can." Then I look down and notice a few crumbs that have landed so delicately on my fat rolls and snatch them up quickly if only to savor the last remaining morsels. Guilt- it's what's for dinner.

I cuss. I think maybe in one of my past lives I may have been a sailor. I'm not sure, I'm still mulling that one around. The worst part is I cuss at my kids. But to me they are only sentence enhancers. I mean how do they know to take me really serious with out them? I have actually made this into a science experiment. This is how it began, "Your shoes don't belong there, they need to go in your closet."  Apparently they think those are magic words, which magically make the shoes walk themselves into their closet. Then it became "Go put your shoes in your closet." Still there they sat right in the middle of the floor. And finally "Go take your damn shoes to your closet before I throw them in the damn trash!" Wanna guess the result? Yep, the shoes lived to see another day. So here I have to wonder, is it really that bad when it gets the job done, and we can all still hug it out in the end?

I have fed my kids Chef-Boy-R-Dee multiple times in one week. I have eatin out five out of seven nights some weeks. But they never go hungry right? Ours is a rather small town and fast food is limited, but well I'm tired dammit. I will one day find a whole crockpot load full of make ahead recipes and be so organized Martha Stewart would be impressed, but until then some nights ramen noodles will have to do.

I have let my toddler nap in a stinky pull-up. Shit happens right?! Sometimes you know they are stinky, but you are knee deep in something and it can wait two minutes. Only, that toddler who has been running and bouncing nonstop for the last six hours has hit some sort of hidden snooze button and fallen asleep face down in a big pile of toys and possibly a truck halfway up his nose. But let me tell you my friend- DO NOT TOUCH HIM! I know you are thinking how horrible I am, but I would much rather deal with a little extra baby powder than a mini version of a tired, cranky and now stinky man. You know what I'm talking about ladies.

I threaten my kids with death. My mother used to have a favorite saying, "I brought you into this world and I can take you right back out." This is not what I mean. I am a cautious person by nature. Ironically I think it has only developed since I have had kids. I want my kids to be cautious too. I don't just tell them not to talk to strangers. I tell them all the scenarios a stranger can try to entice a child and then warn them what will happen if they get snatched. I tell them if they leave our front door with out us knowing they could be killed by a car or a stranger can get them. I tell them they can die in the pool, or even the bubble bath they dearly love. I show them who to go to incase they get lost at the store, or the fair. My kids have long had their address memorized if they need to tell a police officer. But I also use it to my advantage. I go to kiss them goodnight only to step on some stupid pointy toy and start that cussin all over again. Then I tell them if our house were to catch on fire, they would die because they couldn't get out with all these toys on the floor. It works. The toys get picked up pretty quick.

I have literally ran and hid when I heard "I'm telling mom!". I have screamed at the top of my lungs in the car when they wouldn't stop screaming. I have left my fit throwing child in one isle at Wal-Mart and walked away down another isle (you should have seen the other panicked moms). I have my kids wear dirty socks to school when I didn't feel like searching for the all elusive clean matching pair. Hey at least it wasn't dirty underwear.

All things considered, our house is a pretty normal household. I  might not be a Pinterest mum, but there is love and laughter in our house. I care about my kids well being, I try to mold them into useful caring members of society, I try to teach them small things to monumental lessons, but most important I love them with every ounce I have. There will never be any perfect parenting style, those who say there is are lying bastards only out for your money.

So break out those ice cream bowls moms, cause we deserve it dammit!

Dog Days of Summer

I just adore summer-time at our house. Don't get me wrong, our house gets visits by the "Get out of my room!" and the ever-nerve-grinding "I'm telling mom!" or my absolute mortal enemy "I'm bored!". Not sure about you, but those guests are not welcome at our home. So we try to pack our dog days of summer full of activities to keep those pesky visitors at bay.

We had so much fun baking in the scorching Texas heat, that we forgot to do much documenting. So I decided to compile it all here and now and do a Wonderfully Delighted Family summer recap.So sit back in your AC and enjoy the ride.

First up our Annual trip to Beaver's Bend.
We came across this cabin up at Beaver's Bend
last year, purely by dumb luck and fell in love
with it all- the cabin, the park, the town, all of it. We were so excited to be able to go back again this year.

All packed and ready to go!

Typical picture of my kids.

Either they make funny faces or they

don't look at the camera at all!

 

            

 Keeping cool in the water!

 

We got to see the Statue of Liberty-

 in Oklahoma?!

All those hikes in the woods to find Big Foot and we happen to find him at a shop on the highway!?

All relaxed and headed back to reality!!!

Next up- a week long Vacation Bible School.

The extremely generous friends at The First Presbyterian Church welcomed our girls to vacation bible school that lasted a whole week. 

They had such a blast!

The Beast wasn't old enough to go to VBS so he had to hang with Mom.

 

We also were very fortunate and were awarded by The Hubster's work for helping him make a special project for a class he taught. The Brat Pack got to get all dressed up and go to Daddy's work for a special surprise. In hindsight I maybe should have told them what was happening so that I could have explained the proper behavior they should exude. I don't know how, but I forgot that Ky Bug has no filter from her brain to her mouth, however she definitely entertained the entire room of The Hubster's co-workers. 

We got to play with our cousins at the Sprinkler Park. Well the girl's loved it, The Beast wasn't quite too sure. Let me tell you sprinkler parks are a mother's dream- the kids get to play in water and cool down, while mom doesn't have to worry so much about them drowning. I want one in my backyard! But that's for another day.

     Grandpa got a horse!!!














        

  We decided to perform a Random Act of Kindness.

 







We made chocolate covered pretzels and presented them with a cold bottle of water and a RAOK note in our mailbox for our mail carrier. Weeks later we decided to start visiting the church the girl's attended VBS only to have our mailman introduce himself to us. Small world here in BFE.

  

Independence day!!! 

BBQ, Family, Fun, Fireworks.... need I say more?

Let us not forget the ultimate fun we have been enduring with a certain three year old Beast

 in the form of potty training! I repeat Ultimate Fun!! 

 Daddy took The Beast to

 potty on the four wheeler. How exciting!

 The Rodeo.

 

The Hubster, Miss Priss and I had loads of fun at the rodeo. 

Ky Bug cried and whined the entire time to go home, and The Beast fell asleep.

All in all they got to dress up in their cowboy gear so it was worth it

.

 That's right. That sticker means she rode The Bull and lived to tell about it.

A Day at the Park. 

 

The State Park that is.

 You see that? That sisterly love?!! That is what makes it all worth it!

 

 

 RAOK # 2

 The Brat Pack and I decided to buy some school supplies for a few of our friend's kids starting school. They were very grateful!

 

 

Three nights a week this

 is what filled our hot nights. 

 But it did allow us many visits to new restaurants. 

Summer started winding down and we had to get ready for school. 

We got haircuts.

Mommy and Daddy signed up for College!!!

.

The Brat Pack behaved so well during the entire process.

All third graders received Bibles at church.

 

It sure felt like we were running non-stop the entire summer but not so much when put on paper. Isn't that the way it always is though? Well, we sure had tons of fun and tons of headaches but we wouldn't change any of it for the world. Bring on the Fall!

 

Summer's End